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I'm not a fan of MLP, but anything that's popular is ripe for some fine transformational satire. I even did a little research! The fine artwork was commissioned from saetia but never posted; I gave her creative freedom and the result was something that just had to be linked to a cartoon in some way.

The Tale of Polly Tyntemi

"Guys, guys," Polly Tyntemi bounced up to her fellow GeneCom employees during their biweekly shift maintaining the cryogenics lab. "The temperature in Unit C is too warm!"

"Polly, don't." Abbie Wirtorn scowled inside her clean suit.

"No, guys, it needs to be cooler," Polly continued, eyes shining.

"Polly, if you finish that thought, I swear to God I'll push you into the liquid nitrogen." Sabha Strycker-Trower said, brandishing a stainless steel clipboard like a cudgel.

"Like thirty percent cooler," Polly finished with a flourish. Sabha's clipboard glanced harmlessly off of a cryogenic tank as Polly ducked out of the way and skipped merrily off to check the coolant levels in sector B.

"I think I'm about one Our Tiny Equines quote away from second degree murder," Abbie said. by her count, Polly had now used that thirty percent quip for 97% of the things in the GeneCom offices to which percentages could be applied.

"No jury would convict you. Unless it was a jury of her peers, in which case we'd probably be sentenced to a OTE marathon on NBS Clockwork Orange style."

It was safe to say that Polly was a woman obsessed. Our Tiny Equines was a revival of a show that had first run in the 1970s, designed to sell toys made from molds left over when a chinamaker went out of business. The revival, though, had gone on to massive popularity far outside its key demo of preteen girls, making major inroads into the key "ebullient twenty-something female" and "grotesquely obese comic book geek" demographics.

A massive collection of polyvinyl unicorns, pegasi, and chibi centaurs cluttered around Polly's cell in the GeneCom cubicle farm where she, Abbie, and Sabha spent most of their work week. The colors were bright enough to be seen for miles, but the supervisor was a closet OTE fan and encouraged Polly by sometimes bringing her rainbow hologram stickers.

"Hey guys!" Polly said, poking her head over her cubicle wall so her neighbors could see. "Did you hear? I got into EquiCon!"

"What'd you have to do?" Abbie said, not looking up from the gene sequencing she was doing on her computer--breaking the golden mole genome down to send out to one Mr. Chervena, one of GeneCom's best customers.

"I bought a ticket!" Polly cried, raising a holographic rainbow ticket stub triumphantly into the air. "Everyequine who's anyequine will be there. It's like manicorn central over there."

"…I thought OTE fans were called 'centwhores,'" Sabha said, hoping that a little conversation would send Polly away. She was working on the outsourced Granholm-Seager Pharmaceuticals anti-quaggasol enzyme project…or trying to.

"Only if they're ladies, silly," Polly giggled. "But I've done the math, and we're the minority of OTE fans."

"Really?" Abbie said, a note of mild interest in her voice despite herself.

"No, don't…!" Sabha hissed.

"About 30%. We're the cooler 30%." Polly disappeared from view, giggling, like a brightly-colored whack-a-mole. She'd used one of GeneCom's patented color tonics to turn her hair a pale pastel greenish-blue--like the mane of her favorite OTE character, the cartoon unicorn Absurdity whose catchphrase she forced into every possible conversation. That, combined with her pale, almost colorless skin and the dour fluorescent GeneCom, tended to give her and everything around her a vague pastel sheen.

At lunch, Abbie and Sabha sat together, complaining about their friend's obsession. They'd all joined GeneCom as temps together straight out of school, since the pay was good and the low ethical standards appealed to former law students such as themselves. But after The Sparkle Disaster, and The Pastel Incident, to say nothing of The Sick Seeing-Eye Pony and The Hoofening…Abbie and Sabha were getting awfully sick of Polly's OTE-related antics resulting in imbroglios that could only be properly described with capital letters and integral articles.

"…honestly, I feel like Our Tiny Equines is in danger of supplanting cats as the basic memetic currency of the internet and therefore the world," Sabha said. "The internet has, since 1997, been primarily a distribution network for funny cat pictures. As amply demonstrated by the chain emails and Facebook reposts Polly sends out every seventeen seconds, the internet will soon be nothing more than a vector for OTE."

"It's basically become the new Godwin's Law," Abbie agreed. "As any conversation on the internet goes on, the possibility that Our Tiny Equines will be invoked rapidly approaches 100%. It has vanquished both cats and Hitler; it weeps for there are no more qorlds to conquer."

"I think that probability starts at 100% with Polly and moves upwards somehow from there," Sahba agreed in between bites of sandwich.

"Do you remember what we used to do in school, before becoming clock-punching gene-splicers, when someone we liked became unbearably annoying?" Abbie asked.

"Well, I remember what you and Polly did to me when I had that obsession with roller derby that lasted about a week," Sabha said. "You super-lubricated my skates and filled them with super glue."

Abbie nodded, and a mischievous smile began to spread across her face.

"Oh, no. No, that's too much. Too far. Polly's been one big sparkly headache lately but we're still Sigma Chi Chi sisters."

"Maybe you're right," Abbie sighed. "Come on, let's get back to work."

Upon arrival in their cubicles, Abbie and Sabha jiggled their mice to wake up their computers, only to be blasted, in stereo, by a syrupy jingle turned up to 11:

Our Tiny Equines!
We used to wonder what brand leverage could be
Our Tiny Equines!
Until you all shared your portfolios with me

In addition, their desktops--silhouettes of the Professor What cast for Abbie and a Dragon Effect 4 battleground for Sabha--had been replaced with backgrounds so overwhelmingly pink that both ladies' pupils were jammed painfully open by the onslaught. Sabha stumbled out of her cube holding her ears while Abbie pulled the plug from the wall socket to make the overwhelming sensory onslaught stop. They met in between their cubes, a resounding pop and sizzle echoing from Sabha's workspace as her monitor and speakers were overloaded and failed.

They glared wordlessly at each other until Polly skipped by moments later. "Hey guys! Did you see the surprise I left for you? I worked all through lunch to make your cubicles cooler…"

"Polly…I'm warning you…" Sabha croaked.

"30% cooler, that is!" Polly grinned spastically and returned to work.

"Let's do it," Sabha said. "Sisters or no. Prank to end all pranks."

The next night, they both stayed late, until after the bosses went home, and then raided the gene cold storage.

"Got some monodon monoceros here," Sabha cried, fishing a DNA sample out of the cryogenic murk.

"Great, add it to the pile. I've already got capra aegagrus. What do you think…equus quagga or equus kiang?" Abbie held up two DNA vials from the quaggasol project container, one in either clean suit glove.

"Both! We'll sort it out in the sequencer." Sabha said. "We just need a de-weaponized vector…I'm thinking bundibugyo ebolavirus."

"…you sure that's safe? We want to play an awesome prank on Polly, not kill her."

"Of course it's safe. They used it in that cold treatment the other year, remember? GeneCom Flu-Away-Home?"

"Oh yeah," said Abbie. "Too bad they had to yank it off the market for causing halitosis as an unavoidable side effect. Come on, let's load n' sequence this bitch."

Even though they had both trained as paralegals, the GeneCom sequencing software at their desk made combining the various DNA strands they'd gotten from cold storage a snap; it was akin to designing a webpage, albeit with sinistral amino acids and proteins instead of HTML tags. It took all night, but after running a test batch and experimenting on some lab rats, everything was ready.

The next day, at lunchtime, Abbie and Sabha surprised Polly with a meal in the GeneCom cafeteria. "Wow, I knew that your surprise would get you guys in the fun-loving spirit of Absurdity and Our Tiny Equines!"

"Oh, it sure has," Abbie said, trying to suppress a grin as Polly ate a sub sandwich that had been heavily treated with DNA.

"Yes, we're all about having fun today, definitely," Sabha chimed in, watching Polly down a can of soda pop that was laced with DNA.

"Tastes great," Polly said, finishing with a cookie that had DNA in there somewhere. "Thanks!"

She trotted back to her cubicle and pulled out her cell phone, intent on exchanging a few texts before getting back to the grind. She sat on the small sofa in her cube, which was the same color as her sleeveless shirt, and rested her phone on her drawn-up bare legs just below her shorts, not at all worried that her sandals might track anything onto the already-filthy sofa. GeneCom had a very forgiving dress code, especially for people like Polly working in the highly unethical splicing and unsplicing division.

centwhore2278: cant wait til equicon
manicorn1337: ya totally
manicorn1337: gotta cosplay yet?
centwhores2278: still cant think of a good one thatll match my budget
manicorn1337: youll think of something

Polly paused her texting. She was starting to feel awfully hot and headachy, as if a sudden and intense fever had suddenly swept over her. "Oh, great," she moaned. "I hope I'm not getting sick just before EquiCon. It'll suck to be on the convention floor." The idea that staying home and not being a typhoid Mary infecting the whole con simply didn't occur to her.

It wasn't until a bony nub emerged from the center of her forehead that Polly realized it wasn't a simple cold. She looked up at it, cross-eyed, as the tiny thing struggled to grow and left an ever-longer spiral pattern in its wake.


Polly lifted a delicate hand to her forehead, but stopped it halfway. Her pale fingers had started to change color and texture in front of her eyes, browning as if under the world's most powerful tanning bed. They were getting harder, too; Polly could barely wiggle then on either hand.

Absorbed--mesmerized, perhaps--by the sight, Polly hardly noticed the feeling of her ears rising to impish peaks on either side of her head, or her torso beginning to swell out of normal human proportions, resulting in small runs and tears in particularly tight parts of her shirt.

Her toes suffered a similar fate to that of Polly's fingers, shading off into a dark brown while growing stiff and rigid. In fact, they went one further and began to merge; the spaces between toes became smaller until all but the one between her second and third disappeared completely. The merger forced first one sandal and then the other off; they thudded dull to the couch.

"W-what's happening?" Polly cried as the cockail of narwhal, goat, and equine DNA her friends had prepared was rapidly promulgated through her body by the de-weaponized ebola vector they'd selected.

Her shorts were suddenly much tighter than they should have been, causing the cheap thread to burst asunder as a tail squirted out the back of Polly's spine, tipped with a sprig of fur that--true to the GeneCom treatment she'd taken to OTE-up her appearance.

It seemed almost quaint now!

manicorn1337: ya still there?

Polly fumbled with her cell, hitting random keys in an attempt to either explain what was going on or summon help. As her hands were in the final stages of fusing into cloven hooves, all she could manage was "eqevres evseiubvl j;e8rh." Her phone's autocorrect rendered it as:

centwhore2278: equine contraceptives conspire against Presbyterian squid

Her ears were much larger now, pulling her custom-made, Etsy-purchased Absurdidty earrings along for a ride to the top of her head. Polly's hair, never the best-combed in ideal situations, rapidly fluffed out of control into a long pastel mane. As she looked at her new hooves in shock, she saw that tufts of white fur were present and growing around them. The hair spread up from her former feet and hands to cover the remainder of her body and Polly's newly-emerged tail, which was now flopping around on the couch and nearly as long as the rest of her body combined.

Still spiraling outwards, the horn on her forehead was nearly a foot long now, and it seemed to be pulling the res of her face away from her head along with it; eyes wide, Polly could feel her round, friendly features twisting into a much longer and more angular form.

manicorn1337: yah glad you finally woke up to the squid conspiracy gal

No help was coming from her phone, so Polly tried to get up; her first step on her hooves was her last, pitching her forward onto all of her newly hardened hooves. The acrobatics were too much for a shirt and shorts already straining under the increased load of muscle and fur roiling beneath their fabric as a result of Polly's sudden unimorphosis. They were violently destroyed, confetti in a parade, leaving Polly completely nude. Luckily, her expanding equine chest was rapidly swallowing up her bosoms.

"Urrrgh!" Polly's body continued to gain mass even as there was still more shifting to be done. Her neck squirmed into a long and elegant curve; the proportions of her legs and arms were altered to the twang of tendons and painful protest of bones used to moving on a whole different timescale. The changes pushed her to an upright position, resting on what had once been her fingers and toes, with vastly elongated feet making up almost half of her rear legs.

Looking down at her new and undeniably unicornish form in shock, Polly waggled a hoof, and nearly fainted with fear and horror when it obeyed her command. Her friends' practical joke had converted the occupant of Polly's cube into a unicorn foal through the miracle of modern genetic engineering.

She heard giggling from above, and craned her neck upwards (after three tries) to see Sabha and Abbie. They'd been watching her entire frantic unimorphosis from over their cubicle walls.

"I'd say she looks a lot cooler now," Sabha deadpanned.

"Yeah, 30% cooler," Abbie riposted.

"V-very funny guys," Polly said after a minute of futile flapping her gums in order to talk; she was clearly relieved that she still had the power of speech. "Come on, change me back."

"Oh, sorry, no can do," Sabha said. "It's not that kind of fine GeneCom product. The only thing to do is wait for it to wear off on its own."

"What? What a mean, nasty trick to play on your friend!" Polly cried, her wide eyes brimming with tears.

"We thought you'd get more of a kick out of it than that," Abbiee said, "considering how insufferable you've been about this Our Tiny Equines stuff lately."

"I know the difference between fantasy and reality, Abbie!" Polly snapped, holding aloft one of her hooves. "A real unicorn can't hold anything with this! What am I supposed to…"

Polly's eyes went wide, and her mouth twisted into the genetic chimera unicorn version of a grin.

Two weeks later, Polly had recovered her bipedal gait but was still getting over the vestigial remnants of tail, horn, and ears, with her left hand and right foot still stiff and partly fused.

She was also proudly wearing the "Best in Cosplay" award and a special jury prize from EquiCon 20XX.
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EStories Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
o.ô *Nod* Aaaaaaaaaaaand *Watch*
PrecisionWind Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2016
Why are TF's like this always so adorable! The things i'd do to have that happen to me
ZeldaAwesome Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2016
someoneelseagain Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2016
"CentWhores". Oh my gawd. That's beyond brilliant. I vote this be canon against Bob's Burger's' "Equesticles". XD
nothere3 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2016
Thanks! It's an honor to be in even the same sentence as Bob :)
ostendfaxpest Featured By Owner May 22, 2014
Rainbow Dash Licking gif 
DolphinSilverwolf Featured By Owner May 7, 2013
But alas, they messed up the sequence...and thus began the ponypocalypse.
JennyVan Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Really really good story :) I absoloutely love equine TFs with an actual story point to them. Even more so if they have a happy ending :D
nothere3 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013
Thank you! I'm happy to oblige, and glad you enjoyed my inane scribbles :D
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Submitted on
March 9, 2013
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Mature Content


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